grandma has passed away. her last word was calling '' Ah Boy '' which is me/bro and i wasn't around. it was my aunt who told me that. i am feeling damn fucking upset and disappointed in myself. when i reached by her bed, i held her hands and it was feeling cold. i heard that there is internal bleeding cause she alrdy vomitted some blood before i came. and her stomach there was like swollen with blue-black patches. i couldnt control my tears and just cried. i keep talking to her and she couldn't reply me as she don't even have the energy to vomit out. then i saw in my own eyes that she vomit blood again. immediately, i cried out again. my mum keep asking me not to cry infront of her but i just couldn't leave her. the doctor came and told us that she is not in good shape. so either we let her suffer and go or she inject medicine to let her go peacefully. but even before the medicine take place, my grandma has some phlegm inside her throat but she just don't have the energy to spit out. and she just gone like that. before i came, she was like quite breatheless, but when i held her hands and tell her that i am here, she slowly calmed down but still feeling sick. the night when she gone, i was staying by her side accompanying her as i knew she will be scare to go alone. so i was sleeping on the massage chair beside her hoping that she will come into my dream and talk to me. ''dear ah ma, wenjun will always love you and you will always be in my heart and you are the best ahma i ever ever had in my life.''

today is the 127th day since my ahma left me ): life without her is so lonely. there's no one to complain about and no one for me to talk whatever is in my heart. no more laughter from her. no more jokes from her. no more food cooked by her. no more calls made to her everyday without fail. no more calls from her. no more pictures taken together with her. no more sharing room with her. no more cooking koka noodles for her. no more no more no more..... everytime i think of her, i will just break down and cry to myself.. there's so much things in my mind that i want to tell her but no longer can.. wonder how she is over there. wonder if she is living good over there? wonder if she miss me and remember me still. wonder if she still loves me. i wonder i wonder.. as i type, my tears just keep rolling down. fuckk.

i want ahma ! urghh..

i want to talk to ahma. i want ahma. i miss ahma.